the last day

There are a lot of really dumb corny sayings about how life goes fast and sometimes you don't realize that until you're looking back blah blah blah don't miss out remember blah blah blah life is fast!!

It's true, though.

I just snuck into the guidance office to leave a note for all the seniors. I'm excited for them to graduate. I'm excited for them to explore college, excited for them to fail, but only excited about that because I'm excited for them to learn from it and grow in doing so.

I really am kind of amazed that the next time I head back to Dartmouth, it will be permanent. I mean, I'm still crashing on couches (thanks friends you rock for that, by the way), but this time there's no heading back on Sunday afternoon, no more jokes about how I'm only sort of on an off term. I finished my off term. I'm coming home.

I just had a lot of very profound, articulate thoughts as I was walking through the empty hallways on my way home and they are not anywhere near this blog post.

I'm glad I didn't really have to say goodbye. I don't like goodbyes very much; if I want someone to not be in my life, they won't be. If I want someone to be in my life, I will do my best to ensure that is the case. At any rate, goodbyes just aren't necessary. They're just this dumb formality, really. It's not goodbye so much as Okay so maybe we won't be seeing each other in person any planned time in the near future. That's all.

I was on a field trip today, which rocked, because I spent ninety percent of it chilling (if you can call it that, sup ninety plus degree weather) in Bryant Park and I also got to hang out with my dad for a while (hi dad! that was fun!). My last real day in school was supposed to be yesterday, because field trip today, but there was a freak storm, a mini-tornado or something that brought down a ton of trees and power lines and knocked out most of the city's power, so school was randomly cancelled on Thursday, leaving me without a real last day. Whoops.

Have you ever felt like you're stepping in on somebody else's life? Since pretty much every job I've ever had has been temporary, I always feel like I'm just sort of around for the time being. A pop-up ad just kind of abruptly appearing in other people's routine situations. Like, I had this great show where I got to perform a whole set of my original songs at the place where I go to open mic night, and afterwards I jammed with this guy who plays there regularly and it was a lot of fun, and he was all We should do this again, and I had to be all, Yeah, that'd be so cool except for the part where I don't live here. I have too many emotions and attach myself vehemently to so many situations and people, and it is so weird to feel like I'm just popping in briefly on someone else's real life. As if what I'm doing isn't real life, because it's just temporary.

The way I get around this, I guess, is by reminding myself to be present. So when I'm jamming with this guy at our show and I think about how I'm just sort of here for this one night, I remember that I am in fact here and I should enjoy that and be here now. So I do. Not just at the show, but I tried to do it in school as well, tried not to pretend that I would be peacing out so quickly but tried to remember about my impending departure and use that to be more invested in whatever I was doing that hour or day or week.

Anyways, I woke up at 5:30 this morning and I'm really damn tired and it's kind of crazy that this is my last night living here. And so it goes.

Love,
Jamie

8 pm, still at school...

I am writing this on my phone while at the senior awards ceremony. I somehow managed to be busy until this started at 6, so I have not yet eaten dinner and it doesn't look like that'll be a thing that happens anytime soon. Normally that wouldn't be too much of an issue, but today I decided to tackle the monster that is cafeteria food for lunch, and I ate the "prime rib", which looked astonishingly familiar to all of the unidentifiable lunch meat ever made. I actually kind of somewhat enjoy the taste of mystery lunch meat, and didn't mind eating it, but then digestion happened and I discovered why the previous interns said never to eat school lunch. Worst cramps ever.

Today, I also had a less-than-pleasant experience with some of the school's administrators. I'm not going to go into detail but basically I don't understand how someone who has absolutely no empathy or understanding of anyone's life experience but their own could ever end up working in education. It broke my heart a little bit.

I am exhausted. Also can't believe this is already my last week working in the school. Damn.

Is there a pregnancy scholarship?

This is a thing that just happened:

I'm sitting in the office working on some stuff that needs to get done by the end of my internship, looking at my computer, when two girls come in and start saying stuff like "I need my child support!" and "Is there a pregnancy scholarship?" at which point I look up and see two girls who I know are definitely not pregnant, and then I notice that they've got balloons tucked under their shirts. "It all happened last night! Do you want to feel it kick?" "I'm still trying to figure out who the daddy is. I've got it narrowed down to 10 guys. All brothers. They're on the same basketball team." "It's kind of awkward walking through the hallways." "Hang on, take a picture of me doing the heart!"*

I smile. They're enjoying themselves. Besides, this is just balloons under t-shirts. It's not real.

But it is real. Because I've seen and talked to plenty of girls in this school who say these exact things (or some version thereof), except they're not talking about the balloons under their t-shirts, they're talking about the children growing under their skin.

I kind of want to cry.


*The heart - make a heart shape with your hands on your belly. Bonus points for a kissy face and protruding stomach.

omg dory will u marry me?!

Today someone proposed to me with a ring made out of some stretchy string à la candy necklaces and the ring also had a whale-shaped bead on it. Spent the rest of the day making Finding Nemo jokes. It was good.

The way the schedule at school works, there are A days and B days, and some classes meet only on one of the days. The office puts up signs to remind kids what day it is, lest they forget.

omg, ur right! Today is a B DAY... my (half) B-DAY! lolzzzz

Okay. Enough of that. Today was actually a B(ig) day because today was our parents' dinner! A couple people from Dartmouth came up to speak to the parents of the new students in the program (the students got to come, too). I had to plan the whole dinner, which was an adventure because I've never actually ordered pizza or made a huge salad before. I'm making big progress on life goals here, man. Anyways, long story short, it was a success and that made me happy.

In other news, the Rangers are currently crushing the Caps and it's making me super happy because playoff hockey is the best. So many memories of my butt imprint on the Collis couches last spring.

It is late. The only reason I am still awake is because I took a shower. And because the NHL starts their games too late at night. I guess I can't complain because at least there is an NHL right now! Okay, bedtime.

i lost my voice

I came to school on Monday with pretty much no speaking abilities excepting a straggly whisper. Every kid's reaction to this was "Whoaaaaaa what'd you do this weekend?" Um... acquired allergies? Cheered for the frisbee team? Sang too loud in my car on the drive to Hanover because so much Wicked played and I was super excited about that? It was a serious rager...

In all seriousness, though, this past weekend was awesome. The Lodge is finally open (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and it was beautiful and perfect to finally spend time there. I took a picture of my dinner because as always I was given way too much food and as always it was the most delicious.

A mysterious, wonderful kind of curry, and egg-free cornbread! SO GOOD.

While at the Lodge, I talked to a friend who also happened to do the same internship I'm doing now. She made me feel a lot better about the fact that I go back to Hanover a lot, because she had done the same thing during her internship. A couple of my friends on campus didn't seem to understand why I came back so frequently, because they took off terms in cities like Boston and New York, where they actually had people their age around to socialize with, and where they lived with their own families or with friends their age. Moreover, it's not that their work was more or less emotionally strenuous, just that none of them were in an actively emotional work situation from 7 am to 5 pm every day of the week. So I guess it makes sense that they wouldn't understand the necessity of an escape from work and to caring friends on the weekends, because they had that sort of escape when they returned home from their jobs each afternoon. It was truly relieving to talk to someone who did understand exactly what this is like and actually empathized with my desire to return to Hanover to get some emotional relief and comfort and actually relax on the weekends.

Speaking of emotional, this past week has been a constant reminder of the fact that the world can be a pretty messed up place. On Tuesday, someone came in to talk to me around 9 in the morning and asked, Hey, did you know what those police cars were doing outside of school earlier? During lunch, kids were talking about the girl who got jumped on her way to school. During the last period of the day, when I had brought a bunch of kids outside to study/play frisbee, another faculty member came out and gave me a letter from the principal to distribute to the kids so they could bring it home to their parents. It detailed the events of the morning - basically, this girl had been walking up the street to school with a bunch of friends when a car came speeding by. She shouted at the driver because he was going way too fast, and he stopped the car, got out, and attacked her. Her friends nearby fought him off, and she wasn't hurt, and then the cops came to school to discuss the incident.

Then, yesterday, I was talking to a couple of kids in the English classroom where I like to hang out when the school lockdown announcement came on. I was a little surprised because we had a lockdown drill in late April and all of the faculty had been alerted to the fact that there was going to be a drill. Turns out this lockdown was not actually a drill - someone came into the school with a knife to attack some kid who owed him money or something. Apparently the entire E wing was shut down. I was in the AB wing when this happened, so we locked the door like we were supposed to and just went on talking and watching Arrested Development on the projector. It was almost baffling to realize that somewhere else in this giant building, faculty members were trying to stop a guy with a knife from attacking a kid. Generally when you sign up to be a teacher, I feel like you don't sign up to stop armed attackers from infiltrating the learning process. The school is so big that when stuff like this happens, its effects might only graze you tangentially, but it's still pretty sobering to realize that not only does stuff like this happen in the world, it happens in schools, these places where we're supposed to be safe and learning.

The announcements just came on: "...We would like to remind you that tomorrow is prom day. Any student planning on attending the prom is reminded that tomorrow is a full school day. You must be in school until 11 am if you plan on attending the prom. Any student who is to be excused early must have a signed note from their parents..." Monday is going to be hilarious. I can't wait to hear about prom. If I don't go back to Hanover Friday afternoon, I'm going to stay here and go see the Great Gatsby with some of the kids who aren't going to prom, so that'll be cool too. But hearing about prom is going to be so, so, so much fun. Monday is going to be awesome.

Also, I didn't take a picture, but the other night I made a food! It was fun to cook because recipes are done and this is why I like playing with Legos, because you get the pieces and then it's entirely up to you to be creative, it's all up to you to do what you want with what you've been given, and that makes it interesting to be alive. I had a bunch of random canned foods that I had purchased, like sweet potatoes and corn and black beans, and I didn't really know what to do with them, but I thought it might be fun to put them all in a pot and throw some other stuff in there and heat it up, and it ended up being really stinking delicious, and there is a 100% chance that if I had tried to find some recipe and follow it, what I was making would not have been as satisfying or as good. This is why I will never take any sort of music theory or songwriting class. It's why I hated analytical subjects like AP Language and Composition. It's why I don't want to learn about things in steps, recipes, rubrics. It ruins the point of learning. If I have questions, I need to ask them. I don't want to be told what to do before I even ask! And if it's going to help me for you to tell me, well, don't tell me. Show me, and let me figure it out from there. The telling ruins everything.

do talk to strangers

I am officially the worst at updating this on a regular basis. Sorry Grandma! Sorry Dad!

Things have finally started to feel really comfortable here. I don't know if it's the awesome weather or the fact that I've been here for over a month now, but I'm really enjoying being here and actually feel like I'm doing something important and valuable with all of my time.

What is new? Well, May happened. Didn't see that coming. The Lodge opens this weekend, which makes me so unbelievably happy! I cannot wait to be there. But I haven't really even been thinking about that because I've been focused on being here, which is a great sign.

Yesterday was the deadline for students to send in their college deposits, which is pretty exciting because now everyone has a much more concrete idea of where they're going! Mostly everyone is a lot happier/relaxed now that that's out of the way.

New kind of exciting things: I joined a gym and a group of people who play frisbee. I forgot that other people go do things like this, so it ended up being a really good way to meet more people and actually have real interactions with something other than Netflix. The schedule somehow works out perfectly because I can go swimming on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday nights, and then frisbee is on Wednesday nights and I'm always passing out/driving somewhere on Friday. I am actually starting to enjoy playing frisbee because I finally understand what's happening and can throw/catch it on a more consistent basis. I'm sort of really excited to play at Dartmouth because they practice more regularly than the hockey team does, so it'll be a good way to be active more of the time.

On Monday night after I swam, I realized there is a hot tub there too, which is freaking awesome. So I went over to sit in the hot tub for a few minutes and it was just me and this older guy, you know, hanging out in the hot tub. I decided I could just sit there and be absorbed in my own pool of warm bubbling goodness, or I could be a social person and start talking to him. It's always bothered me when people start conversations just to be polite, though. Not that there's anything wrong with that - it just doesn't seem genuine. If I want to have a real conversation with you, it's not just going to be "Hi. How are you? Good. Me too. The end." I want to know things about you! Everybody has a story. Everyone's story is worth sharing, as long as you're willing to listen. Anyways, long story short, I'm sitting there in the hot tub across from this guy, so I asked him, "If you could have a super power, what would it be?" He told me that he wanted to rule a country, which I guess is a super power. Then he went on for like fifteen minutes talking about power structures and the world and famous rulers and I sort of regretted asking him. Ultimately, though, I was glad I asked because it made me happy about life and people's abilities to interact with each other.

Relevant: The seniors all have a final English project under the theme of "fighting ignorance". Basically, they each pick a topic and educate a chosen audience on their topic. One of the seniors decided to do a project based around the idea that parents teach their kids not to talk to strangers and how that maybe isn't the best way to frame such sentiment. I wanted to hug her.

Okay, I would write more/find pictures to put up, but students are starting to show up which means the wifi's about to become overloaded and stop working. I'll try to update this more frequently in the future.

Books and Learning

Books

Despite the fact that there aren't too many books in the library here to begin with, sometimes the library gets tired of books and will leave them out on a table for students to take for free. Apparently, however, students don't actually take any of the books left out, so one of the English teachers here rescued them and brought them to her classroom, where I got to look through them yesterday. Let's just say it makes sense why the library doesn't want them and why they can't seem to give them away to any students. I mean, really, who doesn't want to read such classics like The Runaway Robot or Dick King-Smith and Lady Lollipop?

I took pictures because this is very real.

Rocks and their stories (my life) & The Runaway Robot (whose name is Rex! and he lives on some planet.)

Dick King-Smith and Lady Lollipop (this looks like a little-kid book. what is this name), The Cat Ate My Gymsuit, and The Muffin Child (whose muffin is oddly reminiscent of a mustache)

This is a Tree, It's Like This, Cat (damn straight), and A Semester in the Life of a Garbage Bag

In a moment of sheer indulgence, a dramatic reading of the first page of This is a Tree may have occurred. 

Learning

We watched two videos in English yesterday that basically made me remember why I am passionate about education and why I don't think I could be a teacher in the current system of schooling. There's this quote by some wise guy who said something along the lines of "Never let your schooling interfere with your education" and I think both videos spoke quite well to that idea. I'll post links to the videos later (wifi in school is objectively terrible). If you are too excited to watch these videos, and would like to go find them immediately, here are the names:

"I Will Not Let an Exam Result Decide My Fate" - Suli Breaks

"Changing Paradigms" - Sir Ken Robinson (for a more optimal learning experience, I suggest watching the RSA animation of the TED Talk)

extended naptime

Today, I came home from school and there was so much free time awaiting me! I made myself lunch for tomorrow, which is great because I won't have to do that in the morning - hence, more sleep! and then I went upstairs, and in the middle of changing into my pajamas (yes, this is a thing I do at 4 PM) I decided it would be a great time for a nap, and promptly fell asleep with no pants on. Whoops.

The only downside to this was actually just that I'd been super stoked to make something new and interesting for dinner, and then I woke up at 6:30 or so and was bummed to a) put on pants and b) have to make dinner instead of just eating. But once I put pants on, the prospect of making dinner didn't seem as daunting, and now I am full of delicious scallops and veggies and Lactaid milk. And tomorrow's lunch is already made. Winning.

I think sometimes at Dartmouth it's easy to forget what immaturity looks like because it's often masked in a veil of intelligence or excused by alcohol. High school doesn't wear the same disguises, and immaturity is prevalent (albeit occasionally funny). So many dirty jokes. So many. I like having humor in my day, and I also like being around people who are completely and openly honest. But sometimes when the kids are tiptoeing on the balance beam between hilarious and inappropriate I start to question my life choices a little bit.

I got more candy for the bowl, and got a ton of stories out of it today, which rocked. I love sharing stories. It's taking a piece of your life and letting someone else look at it. I think stories are important because they enable you to appreciate the people around you in a more complete way.

I also got a lot of jokes, and I'm writing down the absurd ones for use at a later time in life. I promise you, this will one day come in very handy.

Here are some especially bad jokes that I definitely laughed at:

Where does Batman go to pee?
    To the bat-room (said in a ghetto voice. optional: add a head nod)

If you're an American outside of the bathroom, what are you inside the bathroom?
    European (you're a-peein')!!!!!

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A horse fell in mud.

Why did Susie fall off the swing?
    She had no arms.
Knock Knock
    Who's there?
Not Susie...


So this is hopefully painting a decent picture of what sort of interactions I have on a daily basis.

On a more serious note, this movie The Place Beyond the Pines recently came out (or is about to come out? unclear) and it's about Schenectady. A bunch of the kids are actually in it, which is pretty awesome. But the thing that came up about this movie wasn't that a bunch of the high-schoolers are mini Hollywood stars now - what made this a hot topic was actually a YouTube clip of one of the actors talking about Schenectady and kind of ripping on the town.

Here is a trailer (which I just watched and now I kind of want to see it for a reason that's not just RYAN GOSLING IS IN IT).

Here is the video they were watching in school. The actor starts addressing the town specifically at around 2:30. I think the comments do a good job illuminating some of the kids' frustrations with the interview.

Okay, so that's a bummer and I don't want to leave you on a bummer note but I ran out of other things to talk about, so this is a more neutral statement that ends with an exclamation point!

weekends are for trying new things

One nice thing about working at a high school is that you get your weekends off, and you don't really have very much to do in preparation for the next week. I've taken this to be a good opportunity to do a lot of things purely because I have the time to do them. So, this weekend, I played in a frisbee tournament.

Let's get one thing straight - I don't play frisbee. That is not a thing that I am really capable of doing. However, I am friends with a lot of the frisbee team, and I like hanging out with them, and really, when will I ever have the time at Dartmouth to spend a weekend playing a sport I have never played before? So, I played in a frisbee tournament. And it was awesome. I learned how to play frisbee, I did some things that were good, I ran a lot, got really sunburned, the whole shebang. I still can't really throw a frisbee, but I can catch them and apparently that's 90 percent of what you need to be decent enough at frisbee to play in a tournament.

Other fun things: Last night I went to the local open mic night and it was also super fun. I played, and it went well, and I played one of the songs I wrote which impressed me because I barely feel comfortable playing my own stuff at Dartmouth. Maybe I'm just getting more comfortable with the idea of putting personal stuff like that out there... I don't know. Anyways, that was fun and the cafe where they have the open mic night is freaking awesome - definitely going to start going there all of the time. That'll be sweet because I won't feel quite so guilty about never leaving the house if I just hole up in the cafe instead.

It is still cold. Why is it so cold? I feel like everywhere I go here is cold. It is freezing in my room. It is freezing in the guidance office. It is freezing in the classrooms. I'm starting to think that Dartmouth is actually brilliant for keeping it inordinately hot in every building all winter long. Also, the weather reports here lie. It's supposed to get up to 62 today and right now it's 39. Good thing I can always touch my sunburned face for warmth!

Okay, back to school. I have to go find the kids and give them notes with important information. Sweet!

everybody loves mug

Over winterim I was given a mug in the shape of a camera lens. It is maybe the best unintentional conversation starter I have ever encountered. Every morning, I make tea, and then bring it to school. And then this mug sits there, chilling on the table, and kids'll walk in and they'll be talking to each other and I'll be listening and be somewhat part of the conversation and then out of nowhere one of them says Holy shit! Is that a cup?
And it's great because somehow this makes us friends.

The candy bowl ran out already. That was freaking fast.

Someone was supposed to come clean the kitchen last night, so I made dinner and was done eating by 5:30. Then I got a text saying that nobody was coming to clean the kitchen. On the bright side, it occurred to me that I could just pretend it was later and consequentially fall asleep and be able to wake up earlier. I'm going to be on the weirdest sleep schedule when I get back to school. In bed by 8, asleep by 10, up by 6:30.

life is exciting
!

M&Ms

The moral of the last two days is that next time I buy candy for the office, I need to buy a kind of candy I don't like, because I've literally just been sitting here eating candy all day every day. Pretzel M&Ms and almond M&Ms are officially off limits. The Skittles and on-sale Easter chocolate can stay though.

This is my candy bowl:

The previous interns mentioned that because there are kids in the office all the time, the candy runs out really fast, so to save money and not have to refill the bowl as often, I made this sign. It's working, which is awesome. I have gotten so many high fives, and also some great bad jokes, and yesterday a kid even did magic tricks for me for a solid twenty minutes. And one time I came back to a piece of paper with a high five drawn on it. That happened. I feel accomplished.

One thing I've noticed that has worked really well so far is conversations. It's hard because the topics have to be spontaneous, otherwise you can't really talk. It's not like "quick! talk about robots! go!" but more of a "what's going on in your life" that leads to something super random but relatable and open. So far today I have talked to kids about an alarm clock that wakes you up by gradually getting brighter, how awesome it is when the radio doesn't have commercials, and dragons. And it's only 10 AM.

Also, here is last night's dinner. Making dinner is weird because I'm excited about it but I'm always exhausted by the time I'm hungry.

After school yesterday, it was nice enough outside to do some exploring, and since I hadn't actually gone around the entire school yet, I decided to make that my exercise for the day and ran around the school. Fun fact: It is a mile-long run. Then I did sit-ups in the backyard of the house. Then I made dinner and fell asleep watching the 6th episode of Star Wars. It was 8 PM.

Oops. Eating more M&Ms. And now giving the candy bowl an evil look. Good thing I have all afternoon to run a mile (or two or three... wait, who am I kidding) around the school!

here we go, for real

Second day of school! It was the first REAL day though, as in, teachers were actually teaching and wearing clothes that were not college sweatshirts. It was a really, really productive day. I sat in on a class, I talked to a ton of students, I met people I was supposed to meet - things happened and I felt good about that.

It's striking how much respect can distinguish me from students. I realized pretty soon into the day that most school staff in the halls were aware of the fact that I'm not a student, which was surprising given that I don't have a staff ID yet. Later on, I realized that the reason they knew is because I smile at them walking in the hallways. I make eye contact. I acknowledge them, I am happy to see them, and I guess this just isn't a response they typically get from the students on such an overt level.

There was one moment today when I was talking to one of the students and it was going so smoothly and it occurred to me that I am good at this. It was shocking and made me happy because I really like this, and I'm not usually the best at things I really like. It felt natural and awesome to be working with students, talking to them, teaching them and learning from them.

I am also going to teach an SAT prep class starting next week. I hate standardized testing so much, so in a weird twist of events, I'm going to try and get a bunch of kids prepared to kick standardized testing's ass. Yeah... that'll happen.

Here is a picture of the cat in the guidance office. I was stoked to see it survived spring break.

meow

And because it looked really good and tasted really healthy, here is a picture of Jamie cooks herself dinner, day two. And I made too much pasta because what are measurements so now maybe tomorrow for lunch I can have macaroni and something. Yum.

Pasta topped with carrots, broccoli, celery, and red pepper stir-fried in some random but delicious spicy sauce, topped with shredded Cabot and then some goat cheese when I got tired of shredding the Cabot. And Lactaid milk of course. 

Cool. It is way too late for me to be up because I've decided that 6:30 will be my wake-up time for the term. Tomorrow, get at me.

I'm such a real person

and by that I mean I successfully* made myself dinner! Hell yeah! I even took a picture because I was really excited by how real it looked. It also tasted pretty damn good too, and not just because I made it (because we all know that can sometimes be a thing).

Salad, Lactaid milk, and mushroom thingies... some amount of money I don't remember.
Making an edible dinner... priceless.

Photography struggles (too excited about dinner? Couldn't hold the camera straight because shaking with excitement? That's gotta be it...), but regardless, sweeeeeeeeeeeeet! I made a real salad with all sorts of fun goodies inside and then also tried to mimic this thing my friend Boze does with baby portabello mushroom caps and boursin (definitely didn't just have to look that up because I forgot what it was called) and crispified prosciutto. It sort of worked. Fact: It's way better when she makes it. 

I also photographed the egregious amount of groceries I purchased. I got too much food to fit on the kitchen table. Oops? Success? Unclear. 

Groceries on groceries on groceries. 

So much cooking is going to happen. I'm scared. I'm stoked. Let the great food adventure of 13S begin.

Also, can't wait for school tomorrow... seven AM wakin' up in the morning gotta get dressed gotta go downstairs, gotta have my bowl gotta have cereal or some other food, okay stopping now because it's maybe not okay that I still sing that song in my head from time to time. For real though, seven AM wake up. HERE WE GO HIGH SCHOOL. I'm ready.

*success contingent on the fact that I don't die of food poisoning later tonight

Toto, I don't think we're in Hanover anymore

I actually left, for real this time. After a lovely three hour drive through a lot of empty fields and then a field with cows and then some more empty fields and also the weirdest rainstorm ever (upstate NY, do you know how to rain continuously? I don't think you're supposed to rain for two seconds and then stop and then start for another two seconds. I don't think that's how that's supposed to work), I made it to a grocery store about 15 minutes from where I'm staying and decided it was a really excellent time to buy a ton of food. I'm now procrastinating from attempting to cook any of it by writing this. I also am starting to think that this is going to end up being more of a blog about my attempts to be a real functioning person who makes edible food. I will make an active effort to write about more than just my failed attempts at cooking. 

School starts tomorrow! Woo! I'm actually excited now. This morning I was super bummed about leaving, which is silly, but I had the best week with friends and not a lot of stress and a lot of visceral happiness and I didn't want to leave that. On the bright side it makes me excited to write letters. Sending letters to friends is an important thing, as a very meaningful poem once said. 

This morning I don't think I was ready to let go of all of that. But, as a wise person once said, "Sucks to suck" (a snarky wise person, clearly). I may not be ready but I don't really have a choice, I'm here in upstate New York and I'm going to school tomorrow and I'm about to cook myself dinner (AHHHH) so I might as well get stoked, you know? I'm making my own food! I just spent $200 on food! It's like I'm a real person or something! Go me! 

Here are some fun facts from the day.

Fun Fact #1: V-neck undershirts cost way more than they should. Nothing that flimsy should cost more than five bucks. (On that note, maybe someone should alert every fashion designer ever.)

Fun Fact #2: I did not see a single animal in one of the large fields I drove past until I got into New York. 

Fun Fact #2.5: I crossed the New York border and promptly, like two seconds in, saw a field of cows. Vermont, you are slacking.

Fun Fact #3: Just kidding. In case it was unclear by the description of what I did today, there aren't actually 3 fun things about driving from Hanover, New Hampshire to Schenectady, New York. (But there are 2.5 fun things, so that's cool.)

Also, this has nothing to do with my internship or being a real person or anything really, but last night rocked. I really don't think I've ever had so much fun being social at Dartmouth. And I want to remember that. I love my friends. : )

I survived

my first day of school! Awesome! I'm also the most tired. I'm almost certain that if I fall asleep now I literally just will not wake up until Saturday.

I feel like all day long I had so much to reflect on and right now all I want to do is sleep.

My day involved way more cats than I ever could have possibly imagined. I actually cannot escape cats. The beginning of the day was super awesome, besides the part where it was 6 AM and freezing, because I woke up to this beautiful first-day-of-school note from Dan (the guy who was awesome enough to let me live in his house for the term).

Then, when I was in the guidance office (where my desk is), somehow a conversation with a student and a teacher turned into a conversation about cats. I promise I did not instigate that. I was pretty much just listening. Still, cats. Then, that student was stapling some tissues together to make a cat (couldn't tell if she was serious or not) and I told her she should put them on the tissue box and turn the tissue box into a cat. Forgot to take a picture but there is now a cat tissue box running around in the guidance office.

In less cat-related news, I only got asked if I was a student once, and by asked I mean I had to go to the cafeteria to get a utensil for my lunch that I so thoughtfully brought from home (a.k.a. the leftover pesto pasta I made during interim), and when I was trying to leave the cafeteria with my newly acquired spork someone asked me where I was going, and I was like "woooo I'm the new person" and then we laughed and I left feeling more accomplished than I needed to feel. Small victories, man. And speaking of small victories and going places, I DID NOT GET LOST ONCE TODAY. This is almost definitely because I got people to walk me pretty much everywhere I went, although at the end of the day, after having been walked from one place I didn't know how I got to, to a second place that I didn't know how I got to, I somehow managed to find my way back to the guidance office and my stuff. So proud.

Today was both the last day of school before their spring break, and Senior Skip Day, so it was a little difficult to get a real sense of how the school functions when people are more present. It was ideal for a get-to-know-the-school day though because teachers were much more open since it was a movie-watching, hang-out kind of day, which meant I actually got to talk to the teachers and get to know them pretty well (or as well as you can get to know someone in half an hour). Getting to know the kids better is going to be great, I can already tell. I'm lucky that all the previous interns have affected the kids pretty positively, because they were all excited to meet me and didn't mind walking me places and seemed to enjoy that I was there.

Also - way more swearing and sexual innuendo than I expected, but I'm definitely okay with that. And the two guidance counselors I work the most with are hilarious. And the kids are all awesome. And I'm falling asleep. Good night.

First Day of School!

I forgot that going to high school means waking up really, really early in the morning. When you work at a high school, you have to get there before the kids do, which means that you have to wake up before it's really, really early in the morning. On the other hand, I'm kind of stoked to be an old person all term and go to bed immediately after dinner. I'm also kind of stoked to be a real person this term and make my own dinner. I'm less stoked about how my own dinners will taste given that I am good at cooking exactly two things. The great food adventure of 13S awaits...

Also, just got a free cupcake from students! Woo breakfast.

There are kids here now so I'll update this later.

away we go

Done with orientation, and in a few hours I'm driving off to my home for the next ten weeks... sort of. Turns out the school I'm working at is on break next week, and also Friday is Good Friday, so I am going to drive there, go to bed, wake up and go to school on Thursday, and then I guess hang out and explore until Friday night, when I'm getting dinner with one of the kids, and then sometime after that I'm coming back to Hanover (can't stay away, really) to do some on-campus work for the program and day trip out to see the other two interns. So I won't really be going away for another week.

I still am going to school tomorrow, and that's crazy. During orientation earlier today, one of the things we had to write was a word that described our present emotions. Mine was happy-sad. Yes, hyphenated. I'm officially the least decisive person ever to exist. It really is a mixed bag of emotions though - on one hand, I am so, so excited for this to start. After orientation-ing for three days, I feel pretty good about this and am so stoked to meet the kids and be in a school and teach people and learn from them and see what it's like to be in an underprivileged school and see what I can do to make it a better place. But I'm also sad because I don't want to leave (and I don't have to, yet, really, so there is that).

When I was younger, someone told me, or I read in a book somewhere or something, "You don't need a reason to be happy. You need a reason to be sad." I wrote about this quote already today, so I'll keep it short. I think it's a good quote. I just think it needs an addendum: When you have a reason to be sad, remember that you also have reasons to be happy. Nothing is stopping you from having happy stuff and sad stuff in your life, and it's really up to you to decide which stuff is more important.

COOL gonna go write some letters to some people and get on the road!

Report Cards

I'm currently putting together a short presentation on the school I'm working at (wooo spring break is fun!) and this is blowing my mind.

I feel like this is probably true for most states, but I haven't checked so right now I'll just talk about what I actually have researched. The state of New York gives every school a yearly report card, which deals with all sorts of stuff about the school and ultimately reports on how well the school is doing at, well, being a school. Here are a couple of things that stuck out.

From 2008-2011, the average freshman class size was about 900 students. In the same time period, the average senior class size was just over 600 students.

In my high school, if you were missing class(es), if you were absent, if something happened, people noticed. I am so interested to see what it looks like when people don't notice. That's not a thing I even knew existed.

Also from the report card, I'm learning a lot about the different levels of being a school. It also is crazy to me that America doesn't have general standards for all schools. Education is important, right? Right? We should be learning, I think. I think learning looks different for everyone, but I also believe everyone should have the opportunity to learn really well, whatever that means for them. Anyways, on this report card there's a thing called "school accountability" and there are different levels of accountability into which schools are classified. The best is "good standing," which is code-speak for your school's doing it right. Then there is "improvement," a.k.a. you could do better, but then there is also "corrective action," a.k.a. it's time to fix things. But then there is also "reconstructing." As in, there are so many things that are so deeply flawed that you need to start over, you need to fix so many things. I'm reading this thinking, why do they have so many levels? How are there schools that are so messed up that they are actually at any of these lower levels? What happened (or didn't happen, really) to cause these schools to be classified as "reconstructing"?

Also, it bothers me that the government or New York State or whoever is assessing these schools, and saying, Yep, you have work to do here, but that's apparently where it ends. How can they do that? How can they look at these schools, acknowledge that there is something seriously wrong, and then leave it at that? Why aren't they trying to do anything to change it? It's like you have a kid who really likes this one book, and that book is on the top shelf of the bookshelf, and the kid can't reach, but all the other people have done is point out that the kid can't reach the book. You'd think maybe they'd give the kid a stepstool, or some way of reaching the book, or maybe if none of that is accessible, they'd say to the kid, hey, we don't have a direct way of reaching this but maybe if you go around and collect some stuff and put it together, you'll be able to reach, or maybe if you work really hard on your parkour skills you can work together with your environment to create a way to reach the book. But none of that is happening. It's almost as if they aren't even acknowledging that the book is there at all. Ignoring the existence of the problem doesn't make it go away. Granted, they're not ignoring the problem, they're reporting it, so at least we know it exists. But I still don't see how that's any better.

Explanation

This is a blog dedicated to things that haven't happened to me yet. My goal is to update this at least weekly, and write about all of the things worth recording regarding my spring internship. When I hear internship I always think of big cities and i-banking and corporate weirdness. This isn't like that. I'm spending my spring in a school. A high school (never thought I'd be going back to one of those). I get to work with kids, which is awesome. The purpose of this blog is to reflect on that and also reflect on all the stuff I'm learning from them. I feel like all people can usually teach you a lot more than you can teach them, so I'm excited to spend a term focused on learning from more than professors. Professors are great. I just like other kinds of learning too.

So yeah. When I get closer to actually being there I'll probably write more, but that's about it for now.

Things to think about:
The high school I am working at has 3,000 kids. Holy shit.
The high school I am working at has 9 guidance counselors.
My high school had 9 guidance counselors.
But we only had 1,200 kids.
The high school I am working at has a 56% graduation rate.
56 percent.
What does it take to change that?